Hard to say. The piano is way too loud we don't understand anything when the guy speak. The green screen? The camera going through building?
Sure the dialogue could use some more work, but to be honest, most of the movies I've seen (made with The Movies) have cheesy dialogs.
@werecool, your line doesn't sound better by the way. I think this type of things doesn't need to be said, it needs to be seen.